"Sure," he replied. I bowed my head expectantly. Three seconds went by..six...ten...finally I looked up and asked, "I though we were gonna pray...?"
Surprise filled his face. "Wait, you want ME to do it?!" He was incredulous.
Me: "Well...yeah...."
Him: "Oh...no."
Me: "No?" (My turn to look surprised).
Him: "Yeah...no....I don't pray out loud. Or with people. Prayer is kind of private."
Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I said, "Oh...okay. I don't really agree. But that's okay, I'll pray."
Him (squirming): "I'd really rather you didn't. Not out loud anyways. It's awkward. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable..."
The rest of the date was wonderful. NOT. I prayed anyway, he got uncomfortable...I got uncomfortable that he was uncomfortable over something that, for me, was so...comfortable. Needless to say...GAME OVER.
As I pondered the evening, I realized the main source of my disappointment was not a futureless first and last date, but rather a general discouragement at the loss of masculine courage and standards. Where were all the real men?
Somewhere along the line, probably somewhere between Adam following Eve's lead with the whole forbidden fruit fiasco and the feminist movement that continues to be incessantly perpetuated, guys gave up trying to be real men. Now I realize that women have certainly played their fair share in this and I will address that in a different post on another day, but today I must admit that the shortage of real men out there both bewilders and saddens me. I could focus on the negative with that, but thankfully I feel positive today...plus it's Friday...which means instead of mourning the loss of the many men who have surrendered their masculinity, I will instead highlight the joy I feel at the strong few that have held firm. Real men are rare and few and far between, but they exist, and I have a feeling that I'm not the only one who favors them.
What makes a real man? As much as I get a good chuckle out of Brad Paisley's I'm Still a Guy, masculinity is not defined by the number of antlers hanging on a guy's wall or the number of touchdowns he scored in high school or what type of vehicle he drives. I've known plenty of hunters, football players, and truck drivers who were cowardly and even effeminate. To define masculinity by our culture's definition of a man is missing the mark. If you look at our society's"man's man", he does not really have much to brag about. A man's man has a high-paying job and earns a lot of money, some will say...but maybe he is also a workaholic who doesn't make time for his kids, or who invests more in his stock options than his wife's heart. A man's man is one with many conquests, society says...but these days his "conquests" are usually women, and his lack of commitment and integrity and indiscretions are hardly characteristics to be lauded. A man's man is powerful and successful, says our culture...but often his power has come to him through manipulation and brutishness, and his success is measured more by the size of his bank account than the strength of his character.
None of this is to say that rich, successful, powerful men cannot be masculine...but be careful not to draw conclusions that their wealth and power are what make them manly. On the contrary, if they are "real men" practicing true masculinity, it is likely that they have achieved these statuses by the wisdom and strength of their character, and that they regard their wealth and power with humility and caution. I would argue that a man cannot possess true masculinity without a strong character, and vice versa. A man's man....is a man of God.
God created masculinity and femininity both, and here I come to a tricky subject. One cannot really say that God is "a male"--this is a description that is wrapped up in the physical, and God is, in His essence, Spirit. But no one can deny that certain attributes of masculinity--man as the protector, provider, leader, spiritual head--are purely reflective of who God is. The Bible gives us the model of Christ and His bride, the Church, as a template for what godly marriage should look like. There is a reason that Christ represents the husband...the masculine roles assigned to the husband are directly correlated with Christ's character. Thus, a man is at his best when his life looks like Christ's...and Christ was a real man. He was and is the ultimate Provider, Protector, Leader, Head. He demonstrates masculinity in its fullest sense. One of my favorite pastors put it much better than I can:
When I say masculine Christianity or masculine ministry or Christianity with a masculine feel, here's what I mean: Theology and church and mission are marked by an overarching godly male leadership in the spirit of Christ with an ethos of tender-hearted strength, contrite courage, risk-taking decisiveness, and readiness to sacrifice for the sake of leading and protecting and providing for the community. All of which is possible only through the death and resurrection of Jesus. It's the feel of a great, majestic God who is by His redeeming work in Christ inclining men to humble Christ-exalting initiatives and inclining women to come alongside those men with joyful support, intelligent helpfulness, and fruitful partnership in the work.
Now I realize I may have soundly offended all the feminists out there, and that's okay. A few years ago, I would have gotten my feathers ruffled too. I was buying into the lie that men and women aren't different, that we are equal in every way, that I should be independent and self-sufficient and in charge. Let me emphasize once again: THAT IS A LIE! Yet, every day women are jumping on that bandwagon, and the men that long ago stopped trying to assert themselves as men have, ironically enough, jumped on it too. These so-called men are touting women's rights and taking advantage of their opportunity to sit back and get comfortable without doing the tough job they're called to do. A man supporting feminism is not supportive...he is, at best, misguided, and most likely at worst, lazy. A real man lovingly, gently, but firmly shows a wife what true leadership looks like and fulfills his role so she can fulfill hers.
Now, ladies, I will admit...submitting and staying in my role is hard as all get out. The natural, sinful woman in me is dying to gain control....to tell my husband how to do this and that, to be "independent". But it never works. It never satisfies....just like anything that goes against God's plan. I can say this with a clear conscience...in all my years of "being independent", doing it my way, leading instead of following...not once did I feel as liberated as I do when I'm staying inside my role and submitting to my husband. It is so freeing to walk in the center of God's will, to surrender that control and trust that even if my husband makes a mistake, God will ultimately take care of me because I am being obedient.
As I have gone on a little tangent about a passion of mine, I will now redirect myself back to the main thing I wanted to share with you today. I love having a husband who is a real man. He's an athlete, he's strong, he plays guitar....but none of those things are what I associate with his masculinity. My husband is a real man because he lovingly but firmly corrects me when I'm wrong. Here's a confession: as much as I detest being wrong...I secretly sort of love it when he does this. The pride in me rears its ugly head at being corrected, but this feminine part of me feels secure, resting in the fact that he corrects me because he loves me and admiring him for doing the harder but better thing. I have a strong personality and I'm quite certain it's not easy to put me in my place, but he does it anyway. And we are both better for it. My husband is at his most masculine when he makes decisions for our family, even when I don't always agree. While there are times when I just want my opinion factored in, there's a greater part of me that feels safe when my husband comes to a decision on his own with assurance and boldness and commitment. My husband is at his most masculine when he pursues me relentlessly, the way he did when we were dating...the way he still does when my emotions run away with me.
Before meeting my husband, I didn't know what true masculinity was. I certainly knew what it wasn't. It wasn't a guy that couldn't pray out loud, with me, for me...a guy that wasn't comfortable enough in his manhood to be obedient instead of conforming. It was not a guy who broke up a very serious relationship with me over the phone because he couldn't face the consequences of doing it face to face. It would never be a guy that let me make all the decisions, dictate the relationship...a guy who gave me whatever I wanted but nothing I needed.
But my husband showed me the meaning of real manhood. It meant declaring his intention to marry me well before I knew he was the right one...because he wasn't afraid to be bold and to fight for what he wanted. It meant getting extra work so he could buy me a stunningly beautiful ring because he wanted me to know that I was worth the sacrifice. It meant overcoming every obstacle that came up along the way--and believe me, there were quite a few--in order to win his bride forever. And just last week, it meant opening his heart to the whole congregation with tears in his eyes, sharing his love for his wife and his gratitude for our first year of marriage... unashamed, bold, real. Whoever said real men don't cry was a fool. If you don't believe me...look up John 11:35.
This post is dedicated to the men pursuing biblical manhood and stepping up when the world is telling them to back down. It is especially dedicated to my most favorite man Joel...who is the real deal.
Until next time,
Chels
